5 Things No One Tells You About Being Pregnant
The first time I learned that my husband and I were expecting it was a surreal feeling. You cannot imagine how exactly you will feel, but excitement certainly tops the list. After the novelty wears off and you’re in the thick of expecting, things can change. And quickly. Gone are the nights of hard partying. Forget fitting into that cute little black dress that once made his knees week.
If you’re anything like me, you spent the first several months of pregnancy with your head hanging in a toilet due to all day nausea secretly asking yourself, “what exactly have I signed up for?!”
Whether you’re expecting for the first time or you’re a veteran momma, you’ll find humor in these 5 things that no one tells you about pregnancy...
Major FOMO Is Real and You Will Succumb to It at Some Point or Another During Pregnancy
This might be more for first timers, as when you have a few small children running around you’ve pretty much traded in your coolness for a minivan and early bedtimes. During my first pregnancy the reality surrounding the lack of fun I was about to endure for 9 months wasn’t exactly thrilling. I’d hear stories of friends and family vacationing, or going out on the town for drinks and dancing, and it made me cringe. I won’t lie, it was vicious. I’d have these feelings of uncontrollable jealousy washing over me. Fine, go have your fun! Looking back once baby was out of my body, I quickly realized pregnancy is a cultivator of major FOMO. And our friends, family, and especially our significant other will feel the brunt of our fear of missing out due to our heightened pregnancy hormones. Sorry...
Hemorrhoids...And Let’s Not Forget Cheeseburger Crotch, Uncontrollable Sweating or Room-Clearing Gas
I’m really not going to elaborate too much on this one here. I think the title sort of speaks for itself on this. And if you have never heard the term “cheeseburger crotch” before, consider yourself supremely fortunate. It truly is simultaneously the most vivid and horrific memory I have from my second pregnancy.
You Cannot Plan Everything And You’ve Gotta Learn To Let That Sh*t Go (See... How To Relax During Pregnancy)
Anyone who knows me can tell you full well that I am a planner. I am rarely spontaneous, although I do have my moments. But when it comes to major life events, no way in hell will I do anything last minute. For my first pregnancy, I envisioned having a natural birth. I mean, I didn’t plan to hold onto a tree in a field and bite down fiercely on a leather strap as I groaned with all my might, but I did see for myself having a baby in a hospital through my vagina only relying on an epidural if I absolutely couldn’t stand the pain. But you know what? That never happened.
On the day that my child was born, I was told that my daughter’s amniotic fluid was low... Throughout my entire pregnancy I experienced oligohydramnios (low amniotic fluid). I was constantly monitored, poked, prodded and stuffed with additional fluid. I literally looked like Stay Puft from Ghostbusters. It was not a pretty sight and my husband is sworn to never show photos of me from my third trimester to anyone for fear of decapitation.
Anyways, the fluid was so low that there was no way that my breech child was going to find a way to flip around on her own, thus a cesarean section now became the way I was going to deliver my baby. I am not a medical professional and not one to argue with a doctor, so despite my instant heartbreak of pushing out a child like a warrior princess, my beautiful, amazing little firecracker of a daughter entered the world on St. Patrick’s Day 2011 via c-section. And you know what, I got over it. My next two kids were c-sections as well. Although having a vaginal birth would have been ideal, it was beyond my control. As my husband says, I’m entry no exit. (His choice of words, not mine. But amusing nonetheless.)
You have to learn to let go of the things that happen during your pregnancy that are beyond your control. I assure you, everything has a purpose and happens for a reason. You’ll see.
Everyone Will Piss You Off (See... Pregnancy Moods)
And I mean EVERYONE. The bank teller, the grocery store clerk, the barista, your parents, your siblings. And most definitely that person who helped to put that bun in your oven. I was out for blood for two of my pregnancies. My middle one I cried and was the nicest person on the face of the earth, so yeah, 2 out of 3 times should tell you something. Just remember, as soon as that baby enters the world all should return to normal and you won’t want to cut someone at the drop of a hat.
Your Soon-To-Be Dad Will Amaze You With Their Love And Kindness
My husband was a different person when I was pregnant. I assumed he’d been abducted by aliens. He was thoughtful, loving, doting, generous, all those things and more. He’d do those late night runs to get me my favorite appetizer from our go-to Chinese spot. He’d surprise me with little things to bring me joy. And he’d talk to our baby-to-be every single day. It really was amazing and I’ll never forget it no matter how long I live.
Despite all of these things he did, my pregnancy hormones were holding the reins and not the usual mild-mannered me. I was often short-tempered, moody, emotional, or just plain exhausted. After all, I was growing a human being inside my body!
The day that I had our first child, they’d given me the epidural and once they were ready to begin my delivery, they looked at me and asked if “I felt in any pain” and “if I was ready to go.” I vaguely remember, but my husband clearly does, that I looked over to him and said “I love you” in this long, drawn-out way like a person does when they are intoxicated. He stopped and looked up at the anesthesiologist and goes, “I haven’t heard that in 9 months. She’s good.”
There are bridezillas when it comes to women prepping for their big day. And I assure you, there are pregzillas, too.
- Modi Ramos